At the coffee shop where I go to write, another regular parks his dirty suitcase on the sidewalk outside. Attached to it is a sign that says “HOMELESS ARTIST.” An umbrella duct-taped to the suitcase makes a jury-rigged arm to hold a plastic cup for donations. It looks a little like the kind of robot that some precocious kid in an 80s movie would have made.
He drinks coffee and cadges cigarettes and draws pictures, which he then tapes to his suitcase to bring the donations rolling in. For his pictures, he uses an 8-pack of Crayola markers and some heavy white paper. He cuts the paper with tiny scissors that have a purple plastic handle.
Today he has a shiny new blue suitcase.
There could be nothing more powerful and moving than a public service announcement where a meth addict has all of his teeth fall out. He’s conflicted at first, but then eventually he brings his mind to a state of ease upon the assumption that at the very least he could put the teeth under his pillow. Then, whatever money the tooth fairy leaves, he could use to buy more meth.
It takes him days to fall asleep, but finally he does. He dreams about the tooth fairy, but when he wakes up and looks under his pillow, the teeth are gone and there is no money.
Suddenly, the dog runs into the room and it instantly becomes obvious to the viewer that the dog lapped up all of the teeth shards and somehow, they became arranged in his mouth like people teeth.
The rest of the story follows the dog around and highlights his various successes.
They’re never in the hospital
those people who won’t return your messages
but they should be.
Because it was.
There is nothing about these 2 minutes and 15 seconds that isn’t perfect to me. Play it at my funeral and then light off a string of M-80s inside my coffin.
Kristine Cooper: Hello Adam! Thank you for being a valued Bank of America customer!
Kristine Cooper: How may I assist you with your credit card account today?
You: [LONG STORY]
Kristine Cooper: Upon checking on the account, I see here that the payment was returned because there is an insufficient funds from the account where you initiate the payment.
Kristine Cooper: I am hoping for your kindness.
You: Did you read the part where I explained that my bank has no record of you ever attempting to process the payment?
Kristine Cooper: Yes, I understand that and I do get your point.
Kristine Cooper: If you wish I can send the statement of 03/2013 and 04/2013 so that you we’re able to see the payment has posted and then returned.
Kristine Cooper: Is that something that you would like to consider?
You: No, because I don’t know what you’re talking about.
You: I can see my own statement.
Kristine Cooper: I am sorry for the confusion. Let me explain it the best way I can.
Kristine Cooper: I highly respect your decision with regards to this.
Kristine Cooper: Are you still with me?
Kristine Cooper: I am glad we are still connected.
Kristine Cooper: I am glad we are still connected.
You: So am I, Kristine
You: You were going to explain the best way you can.
Kristine Cooper: I am sorry. Sure! One moment please.
Kristine Cooper: Upon checking on the account, I see here that there was a payment posted on the account on 03/04/2013 of the amount $4524.00. There was a returned check fee assessed because there was a payment posted on the account.
Kristine Cooper: The return check fee was assessed on 03/13/2013.
You: I know all that.
Kristine Cooper: Thank you for your understanding.
Kristine Cooper: I did my very best with regards to the $25 return check fee, however it is a valid and it was assessed correctly on the account.
You: BUT MY BANK SAYS THAT IT NEVER RETURNED A PAYMENT ON THAT DATE FOR INSUFFICIENT FUNDS OR ANY OTHER REASONS.
Kristine Cooper: The payment of $4524 is posted on the account on 03/04/2013.
You: You keep saying that.
Kristine Cooper: Thank you for waiting. I’ll be with you in just a moment.
Kristine Cooper: The funds of $4524 is from your funds. The account was assessed a return check fee because the payment of $4524 is already posted on the account.
You: With all due respect, Kristine, that sentence makes no sense.
Kristine Cooper: I am sorry to hear that. Let me try to explain it again for you.
Kristine Cooper: [“explains”]
You: I don’t know where that information came from, but it is incorrect.
Kristine Cooper: I completely understand your point however I would need to refer you to your bank to provide the details why there is no sufficient funds when we are cashing the check.
You: I feel like you’re not listening to me, Kristine. It’s not a good feeling.
Kristine Cooper: I am really sorry if you feel that way.
Kristine Cooper: I am sorry however I am unable to provide more details about this because I do not have enough details about the check. If you wish to, I can refer you to our checking/savings department.
Kristine Cooper: Whichever you wish to do, I will be more than happy to help.
You: I feel like you have no idea what I’m saying.
Kristine Cooper: I am sorry. What I meant was, for the return check fee.
Kristine Cooper: Let me talk to my manager with regards to this.
Kristine Cooper: Thank you for choosing Card Services. How may I provide you with Exceptional Service?
Kristine Cooper: I do apologize. Rest assured that I will be staying online once we already resolved this
Kristine Cooper: Adam I will be transferring you to a senior chat specialist who will assist you further. A specialist will be online with you in just a moment. Thank you for your patience.
You: I’ll never forget you, Kristine.
Brian: Hello Adam. My name is Brian and I am a Senior Chat Specialist.